The Plumber’s New Year’s Eve

Tales of the Plumber: New Year’s Eve

The Bear of Berlin held the ancient Luger up to the temple of Anna’s sleeping head. A hand clamped down on his wrist before he could pull the trigger.

“Not yet,” Kodek said (begged).

The Bear’s eyes roved from Anna (still sleeping) to Kodek (still gripping his wrist)

“She’s not the pregnant one.”

“Please. Not yet,” Kodek said, the edge of begging replaced by assured confidence now, even after so quickly a time. Mere seconds.

The Bear of Berlin gave him a knowing nod and lowered the Luger.

That was five days ago.

December 31st:

Brain walked past the science table in his half-destroyed lab, which held at its corner the undumped ashtray with crushed filters swimming in a sea of grey ash, and went for his VCR remote control.

“This should explain everything,” Brain told him.

“Oh, good,” Petersen said, “a film.”

The tape in the VCR gave flicker and static to the tube monitor on the wheeled/movable shelving unit. After the flicker and frame-jumping subsided, Petersen watched what he assumed was Brain turning into a mad genius as Brain, on-screen (having filmed himself two and a half months previous), took the remains of Zarana’s putridly rotting corpse and gathered it together with pieces of tentacles and other I identifiable chunks of flesh, gathering everything in his bare hands…

Behind him, Petersen could feel Brain nervously chewing at his thumbnail while he observed himself, as previously witnessed and recorded by his own lab video camera.

“I wasn’t entirely sure who belonged to some of those pieces of flesh,” Brain confessed, “but I figured it would, or could, all play a part in the resuscitation.”

Now Petersen turned from the screen. “Resuscitation?”

“Yes, but something far more bizarre happened instead…”

More bizarre, Petersen mused. Yeah, sure. “So, is The Corporation actually going to be able to use any of this in their propaganda film?”

“Just keep watching,” Brain said. “And then Decide for yourself.” He fished out a cigarette and lit it. Petersen turned his attention back to the television set.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” Brain asked him, exhaling the cigarette smoke.

Six Months Ago,
As Brain stood on the corner in the rain exhaling cigarette smoke, he watched while the ambulance, lights flashing but siren muted, took Kodek off to Bedlam where Brain had arranged his pre-admittance, completely legal in this world under a totalitarian clause in governmental law disgusted as something called the Terrorism and Treason Securities Act, or, the TTSA. Yes, here, Kodek was the insane one.

Brain tossed his cigarette in the rain-streaming gutter and marched up into Anna’s house.

Unbelievably, after all that had gone on, she’d already gone back to bed, the lights were out. In the darkened bedroom, there was no light to invade when Brain opened the door. She wasn’t sleeping, but Brain imagined her eyes to be closed. It didn’t really matter either way, he slid into bed with her, under the covers.

She was still awake. “Back so soon?” she asked, and Brain knew she thought he was someone else. “Hey, were you smoking…?” as she rolled over she realized she was in trouble – this wasn’t Kodek in bed beside her.

The gun in Brain’s hand was already touching her, the barrel caressing her bare thigh, then giving her a hellish chill as it scraped across her patch of pubic hair before stopping (pointing) at the underside of her swollen belly.

“Sorry, Anna,” Brain said, “But we fucked this one up. It isn’t the right one.”

Anna screamed.

Brain pulled the trigger. Anna’s belly exploded up across her breasts and soaking through the thin nightgown, crimson and chunks if flesh splattering warmly onto her face, the bed’s headboard, splashing into her hair-

New Year’s Eve (now):
Kodek was dancing with Anna, they were revolving, holding each other under the laser-disco ball that had yet to drop (nearly an hour and a half yet)

And even though it wasn’t time, it was, perfectly, Kodek pulled her waist close to him and he leaned his face close, his lips lightly touching hers and then kissing, her lips, the tip of her tongue, her lips parted and he pressed lightly further, and they held each other, locked, still revolving on the dance floor… Her flat belly pressed against his waist.

He brought her a glass of Vodka punch only to have her ask him to hold it for her while she slipped away to the ladies’. And on her way, stepping off the dance floor and making her way along the tables, there, standing outside the door to the ladies room like a gorilla bouncer to a nightclub was a man Anna had not yet met, whom Kodek knew as The Bear of Berlin.

At one of the tables, watching as Anna questioningly eyeballed The Bear before slipping trough the ladies room door, Lizzie felt for the .45 strapped to the inside of her left thigh under the skirt part of her yellow waitress uniform–

Anna made her way into one of the stalls–

Kodek took a sip from his cup. It tasted funny, or rather, it tasted not like whiskey, and he realized he’d taken a gulp of Anna’s sickeningly sweet punch. He walked over to the row of tables and set it down.

“That for me?”

Before he could answer no, he turned in time to see Lizzie lifting the cup to her lips, sipping and purring at him simultaneously. He wanted to slap the smirk from her face with the business end of his 9-mil. But he refrained.

The Bear stepped through the ladies room door. He was the only one in the smelly room with the woman behind one of he stalls.

Inside the stall, Anna, who would normally never have the skin of her ass cheeks touch the rim of any public toilet, decided she was currently drunk enough to forgo her normal rule. Besides, she had a number 2 to deal with which wasn’t going to make her usual public-toilet-seat hover any easier. And when she heard the low rumbling from the depths below her feminine ass, she drunkenly assumed it had emitted from her, and was thankful the ladies room had been empty when she’d entered. Although, had the door opened after the fact…?

The Bear of Berlin assumed (very correctly) that if Anna knew he was pressing his ear against the outside of her stall door, she’d be slightly horrified.

Kodek didn’t slap her with his gun, and she’d set the drink back on the table after swallowing half of it in the second gulp, and now he watched as she strutted towards the exit of the nightclub.

But really, who had been watching who…? And why?

In the stall in the depths of the plumbing, submerged in the water beneath Anna’s naked butt cheeks, The Thing swam up from the depths. From the other side of the stall door, The Bear of Berlin heard the whole thing and smiled, although the palm of his right hand was resting on the butt of his Luger… Just in case Things got…out of hand.

Anna would never in this realm retain the terrifying memory of the pain, the darkness, the raping of her mind as well as her vagina and uterus when The Thing (much like an alien boa constrictor) thrust up from the water in the toilet and into Anna’s fleshy depths-

Well, really, it was on the television screen in the lab, displaying in full colour the lab from two-and-a-half months past, which showed Brain sewing the chunks of (human) flesh to the snakes of severed tentacled arms and the stitched to the rotten Zarana-corpse. As Petersen watched he envisioned Brain, smoking behind him, grinning with mad-scientist satisfaction.  Petersen grimaced as he thought of Brain sending this abomination of dead flesh to the roof of the lab to be resurrected by lightning bolt. But to his horror, he wasn’t far off. Some of the flesh around the torso of Zarana’s corpse had been now so decomposed that it was impossible for Brain to stitch the heavier chunks of dead flesh to her body, and when he switched tactics and began cramming the leaky tentacle-arms into her chest cavity it made a sound that made a little of Petersen’s breakfast crawl back up into his mouth.

“Do we need the sound on?” he asked.

On the television, Brain connected the dead-Thing flesh-sculpture to the electric cords…

Kodek, strapped to the table, was amazed he couldn’t feel the electro-shock cables being clamped to the actual flesh of his brain. He could see it was indeed happening, he was staring at it in the mirror overhead. Beyond that, a man dressed in black he knew only as Beaumont stood observing the whole thing… But where the fuck were those cables running in from…?

Where indeed were those cable running out to, Petersen wondered with a nearly overwhelming curiosity. His eyes steadi-cammed from the edge of the television to find the cables, now coated in some half-crusty black pudding/slime, slack on the lab floor. He fillwed them across the tac tiles… The cables were still running through he drilled holes in that walk-in freezer door…

Do you believe in reincarnation?

THE NIGHTCLUB/ Twenty-Two Seconds till New Year’s Day:

Kodek smiled when he saw Anna emerge from the ladies room, finally, and was not exactly concerned, though he figured she’d have one hell of a story, when he saw she was soaking wet and splattered with some dark-looking liquid.

The crowd started shouting: “Fifteen… Fourteen… Thirteen…”

He grabbed the slime-covered Anna (and were those chunks of…?) because he’d gotten pretty tipsy over the course of the evening himself, let her muddy (bloody?) appearance slide as he danced her onto the dance floor under the descending sparkly ball. For the first time, he noted how dark it really was in the club and how Anna looked like she might be draped is shadows.

Moving shadows-

“Six… Five… Four… Three…”

He pulled her close, the ball reflecting coloured light in a disco-spin of laser beams, and their lips touched together-


The Bear of Berlin burst through the ladies room door, covered in that same black slime-shit as well as deep crimson blood, no mistaking that, dark or not. He looked seriously pissed as he marched towards he dance floor like the fucking Terminator.



*Authors’ note: Any mistakes are obviously the fault of the iPod and its auto-correct function. Cheers.


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